date: Wednesday, September 30, 2009 @ 1:12 am subject: cough cough hack hack security: Public music: A Very Harry Musical <3

It's been forever and a day since I posted here! Well not really, it's been a year and a few weeks. But whatevs.

Tonight was a good night. I tarted up my nails in black (just like the old lady from the plate tectonics video in Marine Bio today!), watched two hours of television, read squicky HP fanfic, posted YGO crack on a comm I haven't visited in two bajillion decades, and ate a tube of BBQ Pringles. And I guess I should probably look into the volumes of reading I have to do for class tomorrow. But that's probably not too important, because I suspect I'm going to drown tomorrow on my final scuba certifying dive anyway.

I shouldn't be so cavalier about school (or death, for that matter). My parents are paying a metric ton of money for me to go to this school, but I'm not working as hard as I ought. I can't just coast along through my work, considering the difficulty of the classes, the expectations of the profs, and the fact that all my classmates are geniuses. You'd think I would have realized this after seven terms, but I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Speaking of old... I'm going to be 20 in exactly one week. I've already gone through a good quarter of my life. This is a truly terrifying thought. Maybe I'll treat myself to an emotional breakdown on my birthday, like the one my friend had in which she took off her shoes and ran barefoot through the streets of Seattle, pondering existence.

Well, Dykes to Watch Out For awaits. Hurrah for lesbians... is it some sort of commentary that they're portrayed in black and white [ink]? I'll have to submit this question to the class.

date: Sunday, September 07, 2008 @ 9:08 pm subject: Kindly security: Public

So, is it nerdier that I can remember a line from The Baby-Sitters Club? Or is it nerdier that I use it to remember biological taxonomy?



The line in question is "kindly pass Claudia Oreos, for goodness' sake". Lol!

date: Thursday, September 04, 2008 @ 2:20 pm subject: The laziness must come to an end! security: Public

Ugh, I had no idea how precarious my newfound healthy lifestyle was until it was interrupted and never recovered.

For most of the summer, I've been stellar about getting tons of exercise and eating well. I joined SparkPeople, and tracking my exercise and daily calorie intake became almost a religion. And the weight dropped and dropped and dropped, and I'm halfway to my goal by now.

But then Kevin came for the week, and while it was absolutely wonderful to have him here, we were too busy with various activities (get your mind out of the gutter...) and having too much fun cooking for me to maintain my exercise and nutrition.

After he left, I never started it up again. My eating habits became significantly worse, once he and all my friends left for school and I found myself bored at home more often. In addition, I kept telling myself, "Oh, I'll go for a ride tomorrow, oh I'll really do it tomorrow, I mean it," and predictably I haven't been since. It's been nearly two weeks now that I haven't really gotten any exercise (the mild caving and the billygoating don't legitimately count). And today, because I could, I had one of the "envelopes" of fatty processed food that I had previously sworn off.

So I logged into SparkPeople for the first time in a long while. It's as if I've been afraid to begin tracking my nutrition again... afraid that I won't be able to eat what I want, because it'll total the calories up far higher than I want to go. I feel more comfortable not knowing how much I'm eating each day....... but really, just because I remain ignorant, doesn't mean I'm not eating it. It was such a good tool, it made me so health conscious... I guess I just don't want to be held accountable for the foods I like and eat. But I feel that I need to begin again, or I'm just going to undo all the work I put into losing the weight.

And I'm also all dressed for biking. It's the absolute hottest part of the day right now, so I'm going to wait until about 4 to go out, but I'm determiend to get at least an hour bike ride once more. My legs were getting so muscular, so fit... and now they've become more flabby and useless once more.

So I'm trying to rekindle the embers of a healthy summer. It needs to get done.

date: Saturday, August 23, 2008 @ 5:05 am subject: (O_____O) security: Public location: uncomfortably in bed

Shouldn't have taken that nap this afternoon, but I couldn't help it. After driving home in a hot car, being blasted by cold AC, my head hurt like mad. Had to lie down, try to nap it off.

Of course, that means that it's now 5 am and I can't sleep. I tried to get to bed around 3, but I couldn't make my brain shut up and turn off. It was like I could hear and feel the thoughs bouncing around in my head. It didn't help that the chirping insects outside my window seemed insanely loud and exuberant tonight. (Summer is starting to draw to a close, though, and I guess if they don't chirp loudly enough, they won't attract their fine lady insects and will miss out on all that insect lovin'. Considering that, I really don't blame them.) Between them and my own manic energy, sleep was out of the question.

So I've been looking up knitting and crocheting stuff all night, and somehow now it's 5 in the morning. If I'm not careful, the birds will come out, and I don't think I'll be able to sleep with their singing. Heck if I wait any longer, the sunlight is going to prevent me from finally getting to sleep.

Hooray for insomnia.

date: Friday, August 01, 2008 @ 4:24 am subject: Small triumphs security: Public

Well, it may be 4:30 in the morning (that seven hour nap today didn't exactly help things...) but I'm feeling better than I have in a while.

I was surfing LJ and stumbled upon some of the weight loss and eating disorder communities. Reading through some of the entries has made me feel so much better about myself, and the fact that I'm losing weight in a perfectly healthy, nonrestrictive way.

I'm exercising, but keeping it fun. Biking = love, so I'm actually having fun getting out on my bike for an hour or so every few days. And I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I check Google Maps later and learn that I've biked 9 or 12 or even 15 miles. Jogging is more difficult, but I guess there's still that part of me that enjoys pounding the pavement at 11 at night while rock music provides a soundtrack for my toiling.

And I'm eating better, too, but without any crazy diet. I'm eating more fruit, more lean protein, more veggies, and trying to distance myself from the processed foods. It's making me feel that I'm doing my body a favor, not only by cutting calories but by cutting out some of the harmful things I've consumed in the past. And please, I'll still eat Spaghettios for breakfast and funnel cake for dinner. But in general there's less of that, and there's a more healthy Amanda as a result.

Maybe I'm losing it now because I put it on so easily in college. Whatever the reason, it's heartening to step on the scale and see that I'm 15 pounds below where I was in June. My muscles feel more toned, my stamina is improving, and my self confidence is just going higher and higher every day.

It really is a lovely feeling, especially knowing that I'm doing it right.

date: Wednesday, July 09, 2008 @ 4:16 pm subject: (no subject) security: Public

Wow, this journal is getting less and less love.

I guess that's what's kind of bothering me right now. I found this girl on Ravelry who's maybe 12 or 13 or something, and since I'm a creepy stalker curious about what she's up to, I decided to check out her blog.

Well, reading through it, it reads much like any 12 year old's blog. It's full of silliness, and pretention, and immaturity... but at the same time, there's so much enthusiasm and heart in what she writes that I have to wonder when it was that I became so spiritually dried up and crusty.

Her blog is a little silly, but it reminds me a lot of the way I used to think and behave in preteen years. I used to love to write, however bad it may have been. I used to love to imagine fantasy worlds, and crazy but fun characters. I used to devour fanfiction and books, and I'd hop enthusiastically from one idea to the next, whether it was astrology or necromancy or magic or anything out there. I invented all these wacky titles for myself ("Queen of the Mome Raths" comes forefront in my mind...). I made up alphabets and wrote journal entries in them. I kept a handwritten journal, for goodness sake.

And now what has my life become? I have a boyfriend, and I have friends who like to talk about boyfriends. I sit listlessly in front of the computer and watch anime. I sit listlessly in front of the computer and surf the net. I crochet from patterns. I sit listlessly in front of the computer and read about people crocheting from patterns. I might watch television sometimes. Occasionally I'll go for a bike ride or a jog.

When's the last time I wrote anything? Maybe a couple weeks ago, and it was a summary for a melodramatic short story. I don't even remember what I might have written before that. When's the last time I was captivated by an idea? Maybe in the spring, when I spent a lot of time (sitting listlessly in front of the computer) researching BPA in water bottles. When's the last time I had a stretch of the imagination? Maybe a couple weeks ago, but by now it's always the same fantasy, repeated with different people I encounter in my life. When's the last time I made up a character? You'd have to ask Buck and Oliver, but they're sitting in a jumble in the corner of my imagination, collecting dust.

Is it simply a part of growing up, losing all childlike whimsy, enthusiasm, and determination even while being ridiculous? Are adults just mundane, complacent creatures who think more about polypeptides and seasonal employment than magic potions and imaginary creatures?

This is an unfortunate turn of events for me. I need to find something to rejuvinate myself. I'll have to call again upon the muses that once inspired me to greatness. Above all, I'll have to get back in touch with my inner 12 year old girl once more, or risk losing her forever.

date: Saturday, May 17, 2008 @ 12:52 pm subject: Two Weeks security: Public location: insighde mood: sigh music: My Brightest Diamond - Inside A Boy

In approximately two weeks, I'll be done with freshman year and heading home.

I can't wait.

I don't think I believe that college is really the best four years of a person's life. Yes, there have been fun moments... but in general, college has been a challenge and a disappointment. Silly me, I haven't taken advantage of all the amazing opportunities available. I've done, essentially, nothing extracurricular this year. My studying sucks, so my grades are mediocre. And my friends are nothing to speak of. We're neither close nor interesting... I think I've had more fun watching anime or surfing the internet on Friday nights than I've had hanging out with them.

I'm excited that I get to go home and see everyone there again. I'm looking forward to hanging out with good friends, spending time with my family, going to all the familiar haunts, and doing something productive with my time. (Which reminds me, I really need to get on finding a job...)

I'm hoping that the whole college experience will start next year. I want to get a fresh start. I'm going to study harder, I'm going to get in shape over the summer so I can do DOC stuff, and I'm going to meet new people. It's not like I want to abandon my old friends... it's just that I've realized for quite some time now that I need to meet people I can go out and have fun with. My friends right now are stifling me, and I haven't mustered up the nerve to go find new people to hang out with.

This sounds so utterly pretentious. I'm implying that I'm better than they are, which is not at all how I feel. I just need different people, people who are able to relax at times and have fun at others. I want some friends who inspire me to do more, be more.

But at any rate, things have degraded so much recently that I can't wait to go home. No more wasting gorgeous Saturday aftenoons inside, in front of the computer, like I'm doing right now.

Maybe I'll go explore Pine Park. But, of course, it would be nice if I had people I could go explore it with...

date: Friday, April 11, 2008 @ 5:07 pm subject: Hmmm so what's up? security: Public

I was going to write an entry but it was useless drivel.

date: Wednesday, March 12, 2008 @ 10:39 am subject: Regret? security: Public mood: irritated tags: school

I just finished saying goodbye to Lillian, who won't be back next term because she's transferring to University of Washington instead.

She really hated it here, and took the initiative to get out while she could. She told me that of course she's sad to say goodbye to people, but really happy to get away from this school so sodden with the drunken frat boy culture.

I'm happy here - I've planned a major (or two...), I have a nice group of friends, I have a sweet boyfriend - but I can't help but wonder what it might be like at other schools, schools without this inebriated, misogynistic general student attitude. Maybe I'd fit in better at other schools with less of a Greek life, and more of a focus on education and intellectual pursuits. I certainly don't fit in with the rest of my floor, who get Good Sammed every other weekend, stay out all night at frats playing pong, make our hall smell perpetually like pot, hook up with a handful of random guys/girls every weekend, and have recently started doing coke on a regular basis.

Am I going to be one of Lillian's friends who looks back during my senior year and regrets not transferring? I'm capable of making the best of it here, but should I really be paying all this money and spending four years of my life "making the best of it" when there are better options at my disposal?

date: Friday, March 07, 2008 @ 9:57 am subject: ~* LOVELY *~ security: Public location: Nat music: Princess Mononoke tags: school

My first entry in five weeks (I've been remiss, I know) and it's about beauty in a very unlikely circumstance.

I was up all night writing a horrible essay that still needs drastic editing. I've eaten nothing but junk food for the past 12 hours. It's below freezing out. I'm sitting next to a grumpy, gloomy boyfriend.

And yet it's an absolutely gorgeous day. Finally, all the stress I've had about reaching my page limit is GONE. I have nine pages, I think I've explained myself fairly well, and I'm happy at least with how I think I've done on the paper. And although it's below freezing out, it's also unusually warm for Hanover, NH, there are no clouds in the sky, and there's zero wind so it's quite warm and lovely out.

I know I owe certain people emails (please don't kill me...), I owe certain people stories (which I think I've lost somewhere among my 159 GB of downloaded anime...), and I owe lots of people phone calls. I still have two finals I need to do significantly well on. I have to plan a one-month anniversary something (I'm not sure yet) and I have to pack for a trip to Boston for an undetermined amount of time.

But it's a beautiful day, I won't absolutely fail my essay, my hair is straight, and my eyes are contacted. So I can't help but feel overwhelmingly happy.

date: Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 9:23 am subject: Friendship security: Public

So why is it that whenever I dream about my friends, they're always my high school friends and not my college ones? Even when my dream takes place at Dartmouth, it's always my high school friends taking center stange.

date: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 @ 8:11 pm subject: YAY! security: Public mood: satisfied music: JUMPIN JACK FLASH IT'S A GAS GAS GAS

Mehehehehehe...

I JUST BEAT ELITE BEAT!

Pshaw, those Divas weren't THAT tough...



Now I should probably get to that essay and that problem set and those applications that have been neglected in pursuit of this monumentous win...

date: Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 5:26 pm subject: RIP security: Public mood: shocked

OMG

HEATH!

WHY??

date: Sunday, January 13, 2008 @ 2:05 pm subject: Success! security: Public

I just beat Jumpin' Jack Flash on Sweatin'! OMG, I've been trying to beat this level forever, and I just did! ^___^

I told Emily I had a good feeling about today, and I was right.

date: Monday, January 07, 2008 @ 8:31 pm subject: *hyperventilates* security: Public location: West Gym! tags: politics, school

OMG, WHAT AN EVENING.

When I decided to come to Dartmouth, I never even considered the New Hampshire Primary. I'd have to call it a stroke of luck on my part. I'm not very political, but even I know that it's rare to have your campus host the first Democratic presidental debate and almost all the political candidates on subsequent trips as they tour around New Hampshire.

And it's even rarer to have Bill Clinton walk unannounced into your dining hall.

Well, I knew he'd be there. He came to campus this evening campaigning for Hillary. I stood in line for about and hour and a half waiting to get into the gym where he'd be speaking. Then I stood (no chairs ;_; ) for another hour waiting for him to get there. And THEN I stood for another two hours while he delived the best speech and the best Q&A session I've ever heard.

And then after he was done fielding questions from the audience, he announced that since so many people weren't let in to the session, he'd be going to our dining hall to see them! And then, AND THEN, he came around and SHOOK MY HAND and stayed and talked with me and my friends for probably a good solid minute! It was AMAZING. (I have photographic evidence of all this, if my friend ever puts it up on facebook.)

So naturally afterwards, we ran over to the dining hall, and it was mobbed, as expected. I assume people were just in there, eating dinner as usual, and Bill Clinton just walked right in! From what I could see, people were standing on tables and running through the other eateries to get into the dining hall through the back way.

Like I said, an amazing night.

And tomorrow I'm waking up at 6 AM to stand in line to see Obama.

And I still don't know who I'm voting for tomorrow. @___@

date: Friday, January 04, 2008 @ 9:15 pm subject: And ironically enough security: Public location: my bed, for the last time for five months mood: sad music: Butterfly tags: school

I know I whined about wanting to go back to school, and missing living there, and missing seeing everyone every day...

But now I really don't want to go back.

For one thing, going back means starting new classes, which is fine, and starting the work associated with those classes, which is unpleasant to the nth degree considering that I have to work even harder than last term because a 3.0 GPA is unacceptable to me.

For another thing, going back means having to readjust to college friends and lifestyle. I have to get back into the swing of things, of frat parties and dining halls and studying and a roommate and staying out late and my dorm that is noisy and always always smells like pot. And to be perfectly honest, I have to readjust to my college friends, which I'm not really looking forward to. These last four weeks have been excellent - contrary to what I feared, NO ONE changed significantly. I could just hop in a car with Kathy, Lucy, and Drin, and it was just like being back in high school, with all the closeness we've built up over the last four years. But I've only known my Dartmouth friends for three months tops... It's fun hanging out with them, but now the prospect of leaving friends I love and going to friends I'm still getting close to makes me sad. I know friendships aren't easy, but after being away for three months, I realize how much I miss being really close to people.

And all this unpleasantness with Obi has turned me even farther away from dating and romantic invovlement with anyone. I hate him, I loathe him, whatever you want to call it... from the abrasive messages he left in my voicemail today, I think he's finally beginning to understand that I'm being a bitch to him. I don't know if he understands - I deleted the messages - but even if he's starting to understand, it's too late. Guys are fine as friends, but if I start going out with one any time soon, I'm going to shortly be hating him. And considering my particular circumstance, I don't want to lose any friends in particular because they're hoping to be more, but my messed up brain won't let them. I just don't want to have to confront that right now... it'd be easier if I just stayed away from Dartmouth until I have the chance to cool down, I think.

When it all boils down, I realize that I'm not a fan of change. I grow complacent with what I have, and then the idea of disrupting that continuity, and altering my environment and interactions with people makes me uneasy. For me, out of sight is out of mind, so once I'm settled in somewhere I really don't miss the other places I've been before. It's just the change and the jarring feeling I get from relocation that upset me.

*sigh* It's 9:28 pm. I leave at 1 pm tomorrow. I have yet to pack a thing, and I think I'm going to start crying (again...) when I have to say goodbye to my family. It's like the first day of school all over again, except there are no surprises this time.

date: Wednesday, January 02, 2008 @ 9:36 am subject: I Kind of Hate Him security: Public location: never again with him mood: angry

Every time he calls... every time he asks if he can see me... every time he asks to talk things out again... every time he says I was the best thing that ever happened to him... every time he says that even though we broke up a year ago, he still loves me...

I become more cynical about this thing called love.

If love is trying to persuade people to do things they don't want to do, then I don't want it. If love is making someone feel like a jerk for not reciprocating obsessive emotions, then I don't want it. If love is not being able to let go, then I don't want it. If love is making someone nice say horrible things BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, then I don't want it.

Obviously, love is more than that. But thanks to you, Jacob, I can only see hurt, annoyance, and repulsion when I think about loving someone. Why can't you just get over me? I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT, AND IF YOU KEEP CALLING ME AND BOTHERING ME THEN I WON'T LIKE YOU AT ALL. Now when I meet nice guys who are interested in me, all I can see is YOU and your demanding hands and lips. Congratulations, you make me feel sick, and you've made me distrust and dislike all guys just a little more.

date: Monday, December 10, 2007 @ 1:28 pm subject: Home again home again jiggity jog security: Public

So I'm home again, for the first time in three months.

It's definitely weird for me and for my family. I feel like when I left, there was a hole in the family shape, but it slowly gelled together and smoothed out until it was one complete unit again. And now that I'm back, I'm kind of sticking awkwardly off it, part of it but an unnecessary, extra part without a clear hole to fit back into.

What a bizarre analogy.

date: Friday, December 07, 2007 @ 3:30 am subject: La la la la security: Public location: Kemeny mood: near death music: Bibbiti Bobbity BooooOOOOOoooOOOOoo tags: school

Currently in Hour 15 of my 20 hour study-a-thon.

I swear that I will not let it get this bad next term. (I also will not have two exams and an essay due on the same day, but that's beside the point.)

So right now I'm chewing my pen to extinction. I'm trying to find my essay among the notebooks, novels, reference books, textbooks, packets, notebook paper, and various food items (pens excluded) that are surrounding me in approximately a five-foot radius. And I'm huddled under my fleece star blanket so I won't freeze to death (yup, I brought it with me, because it's literally 5 degrees outside and I swear this room has no heat).

Actually, the most difficult part of this horrible ordeal is that this is the longest I've ever gone without singing or humming. I want to break out into some serious Disney-style singing and dancing. But no, because some random dude is in the study room with me, clearly in as dire straits as I am, I can't be rude and distract him with my off-key warbling.

But I think I may just rupture some organ if I can't at least hum some stupid tune or another. And it doesn't help that I'm keeping myself awake with catchy Disney songs. "Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test......"



omg just wasted 15 minutes writing a stupid lj entry. no wonder i'm pulling an all-nighter the night before two exams. i totally fail. *sigh* wasting time online... what else is new...?

date: Tuesday, December 04, 2007 @ 7:35 pm subject: Spontaneity ♥ security: Public location: top o' the hop music: Paradise City tags: adventure, school

So in terms of days here, today was pretty awesome.

Woke up and saw all the snow outside. And then it started snowing again, and didn't stop until around 1.

Stuffed my face with food at the Hop while "working" on humanities and math. Yuuuum, Hop omelet ^_^

Registered to vote! Here, my vote might actually make a difference. It's pretty cool.

Went to Lebanon to see Bill Clinton speak! He did an awesome job... I can't believe I got to see him in person...

The Clinton thing ran later than I thought it would, so of course I missed the bus back that I had wanted to take. Which meant, of course, that I had to wait for the next bus. In the dark. (It gets dark here by like 4:30. Very scary, I can assure you.) And in the cold. And not knowing if there would actually be a bus to bring me back to campus.

Fortunately, I took the opportunity to make friends with an old man who was also waiting for the bus. He was simultaneously senile (heh, he kept asking me the same questions over and over) and politically brilliant. I asked him a question about Obama, and he rattled off a huge list of Obama's accomplishments, education, experience, etc.

When the bus finally DID come, it almost squashed us. (Well, we were kind of standing in the middle of the road...) And naturally, even though we had been waiting 40 minutes, we had to run after it anyway because we were waiting in the wrong place.

But I'm glad I got to make friends with my old man friend. And he was so interesting... he told me that he wanted to get glasses like mine because he really liked the frames. The guy was sporting a pair of ENORMOUS red plastic frames. Now I have to wonder about my tastes in eyewear :-P

And then after that, I bought books for a dollar. ~ ♥ ~


You know, sometimes you just have to sacrifice a bit of studying time, or a teacher conference here and there (heh heh heh -___-') to have a completely random adventure. I think that's the most I've learned all day. And that's why I'm going to fail everything on Friday...